It’s not you. It’s me.

 

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I read many newspapers every day online. Nothing brings me more joy than the Wall Street Journal’s Saturday edition. Don’t be confused and think I read articles on politics, I lean towards the personal interest and style stories. Reading these articles bring me to my comfortable spot of self-loathing and mocking of others. It’s complicated.

Today’s newspaper had several articles that were gems. Perhaps I’m just not in their target market. There is an article about how men do not have the same choices in casual wear as women. I cannot agree or disagree. Where I work, there aren’t that many men and we all have our own interpretation of casual. But none of us have the fashion taste of the WSJ readers. They suggest that instead of a jersey sweatshirt, men could wear a jersey fabric jacket. The cost is a mere $1295. And what do you wear under this fashion jewel? You wear a featherweight merino tee. This costs only $68. So reasonable! Buy two! The merino wicks away moisture like magic. I’m not sure what featherweight merino is, but I am SOLD!

The next article that caught my attention was one about ivory toned jeans. Keep in mind there are also crème de la crème colored jeans. Jeans that are not denim colored. I cannot even imagine. What’s the point? Aren’t those just called pants, or perhaps khakis? Not since the Great Menstrual Cycle of 1974 have I worn any light colored pants OR skirts. Here’s a valuable lesson to you younger ladies…. always have a sweater/sweatshirt to wrap around your waist. Just.in.case.

Am I jealous or did I just shake my head too hard when reading these articles?  Where do you wear these clothes? I would be afraid to leave the house. I’m sure the ladies at the grocery store, library and the bank drive-thru would be in awe of my style.

The last article flabbergasted me. Dish towels. I have a lot and hate when they get ratty and smelly. These go right into the rag bag. But the dish towels in the article were made from “fine European linen and remarkable Egyptian cotton” with a starting price of $130. It claims you won’t need many. Really? I won’t need any, thank you. You can make 29 a month instead of 30. I am all set. I would have to frame it as a piece of art.

Maybe I should start reading the New York Post?

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Bored or Boring?

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I am bored, and this is how I know. I spend the day having these exciting conversations with my husband. “Oh, look. The news is on!!!” (It’s on all day.), “Oh, I would love a cup of coffee” (It’s 10:00 and I’m working on my third cup.”, “Look at all the birds flying in and out of the bushes (This activity goes on all day.), “I’m going to the bathroom.” (This is often, please note coffee consumption.), “Is it time for our afternoon snack?” (Most days around 3:30 we have cheese, crackers, olives and pepperoni.), “The paper is here.” (I’ve already read it online.), “The mail is here!!” (Rarely is there anything for me. Please send presents.), “I think the laundry’s done” (Folding the clothes is a fun standing activity for me, really.), “Don’t you love this sock and the color of the yarn?” (I hope my kids like socks. They will have many by winter.), “Fixer-Upper is on honey!” (It’s on all the time and we have seen each episode multiple times).

Conversations that happen less frequently but no less important, “The nurse is here!”, “The physical therapist is here!”, and my favorite ,“Don’t forget it’s trash day.” Pretty boring as conversations go. Two surgeries, in two months, have done me in. I keep myself busy. Being busy doesn’t mean you’re not bored.

Is being bored the worst thing to happen to me? Nope. What I may have figured out is I’m not bored, just boring. That’s a horse of another color. That could be the worst thing…..I’d think about it more, but it’s snack time.

But you can call me NoBro

When did we become a world of acronyms? I remember the world before them. I also remember cursive. Can we bring back cursive and dump the use of acronyms in conversations?

One upon a time acronyms were used mainly in the military to keep things secret. I think my earliest memory of one is, NOW. What can I say. I’m a child of the 60’s. We all were curious about NASA and their adventures in space. I still shake in fear when someone talks about COBOL and BASIC. Politicians throw around the term POTUS. We now have marketing acronyms, SEM. They are popping up everywhere. I spend more time Googling these terms than I’d like to admit. Why do people assume that you know what they mean? If you aren’t completely familiar with the industry, you cannot possibly know what they mean.

Acronyms are as confusing to me as the abbreviations in texting. What happened to complete sentences and grammar? Must I turn to Urban Dictionary to figure out what people are saying? But my favorite frustration is when people speak the acronyms. Because I’ve been living the life of a shut in recently, I’ve been reading many newspapers online. Anyone over a certain age would look at me crossed-eyed if I told them I was reading HUFFPO or PROJO. Where does it end? Who creates them?Well, I must go and finish reading today’s BoGlo and the WaPo. Ok. I made those acronyms up. But I want the credit please. I may go to NoHo to my favorite yarn shop. It’s a real place in western Massachusetts.

Sometime acronyms can be laugh out loud funny. Recently George Mason University received a donation to rename their law school after Antonin Scalia. So, of course, the acronym would have been ASSoL. Ha! Of course they added “of George Mason University” to the end. I wonder how long it took them to notice?

And the sands of time……

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I have been home from the hospital for a week. It seems like a lot more time has slipped by. As before with other surgeries, I promised myself I would use this time constructively. I would take online classes, read all the books piled up throughout the house, on my Nook and Kindle apps. I would write the next great American novel, or at least read one. I thought about finding my creative self and continue with my charcoal sketching, or pen and ink drawing. Or maybe color in the adult coloring book I have.  Maybe I could start some innovative business that would save the world. Get rid of the bad guys and help the good guys. Too simplistic? Maybe. I was planning on changing my life, as I had planned the two other times. Do you have any suggestions? So far, I have used my time in less productive ways. Notice I didn’t say “non-productive” ways because if you learn something, it’s productive.

So here are a few of the things I have learned. In case you didn’t know, there is more than one way to peel a hard-boiled egg. You can look it up yourself. I now have the know-how to make Unicorn Bark. To continue in this thread, there will be Unicorn Kisses flavored seltzer water on the shelves April 1st. I am skeptical of this.

With regards to celebrities, I watched Adele attempt to twerk in concert. I cannot un-see that. I have watched enough FIXER UPPER episodes on HGTV that I am convinced Chip and Joanna could be my best friends. Really. If I could get past their kids and goats. Tom Brady can surf. He also bonked the Easter Bunny in the head with a football. Bad move, my friend. You’ve just ruined it for all of us. Ina and Ree love it when I follow along with them, taking copious notes on their techniques. I think Ina would like me, but Ree would really feel threatened by me. Just saying’. Coach K is a smart guy. His quotes must inspire others. I just like to repost them so I know where to find them, just in case. I still use two spaces between sentences. I’m old and stubborn.

I have continued searching for a beautiful vacation home on my beer budget. Nantucket keeps showing up. I guess I should head over there in my never-to-be-afforded Land Rover. I wonder what color would suit me best. This is assuming they would let me on the island.

Daily I look at the The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, The Washington Post and The Boston Globe. Front to back I search for articles on knitting. Maybe I should expand my searches. It would still leave me with 23 hours and 45 minutes to fill. If I knit as much as I think about it, read about, and plan, we would all have an endless supply of sweaters, scarves, and socks instead of a sock.

The most amazing things I’ve discovered is that life goes on in the world without you, and my glasses get very dirty while on my face. I think the glasses thing bothers me the most. How do they get so damn dirty?

The thing I am most thankful for during my rehab (I promise I’ll do my exercises later…tomorrow) is my husband. Girls, looks will fade, humor is subjective, but any guy that can cook, clean, do laundry, help lift swollen legs and fluff pillows without being asked, and makes the best cheese plate for a snack, and a perfect cup of coffee or tea, is a KEEPER. You can take that to the bank! Thanks honey! I love you!